Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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