I skipped work to stalk him.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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