End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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