It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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