This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
