god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
