if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
