I wish I could teleport
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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