Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
