I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
