dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
