Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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