i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
