So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
