i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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