goodnight i made you a song goodbye
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
