a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
