i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
