the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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