whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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