it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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