My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
