She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize