My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
