Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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