I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
