Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
