Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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