Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
