I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
