I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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