Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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