Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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