I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
