sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
