She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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