the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
