proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Rumble strips road head = magical
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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