woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
