Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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