grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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