um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
