I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
