I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
