She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
