I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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