Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
