At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize