I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
