Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
