dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
