I accidentally had phone sex last night
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
