So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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