he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just gargled with NyQuil
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
