Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
