Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am naked and annoyed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
